ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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