Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think I died a long time ago.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
