I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
