Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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