the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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