Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
