you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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