positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
