Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
