His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
