i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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