New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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