i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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