what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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