well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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