A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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