Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
