best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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