i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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