i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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