I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
