Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
