i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
