it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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