Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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