She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
