Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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