i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
it's like iHOP with fire
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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