The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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