Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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