My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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