I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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