I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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