if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
