Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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