HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
