Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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