It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
