I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
