You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
