About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
