Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
