I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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