I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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