When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
