Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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