That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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