Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
