she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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