remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
