ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
